Long time no see...

I kind of feel like I owe you all an apology for not blogging through this horrible journey...
I gotta admit that this has been harder than I could have ever expected, for so long I felt like I was floating around in the oblivion somewhere. I couldn't come to terms with what was happening around me. I mean I've lost a lot of family members to cancer so the thing that was constantly on my mind was 'I don't want to loose my mum' 'I can't loose my mum'.

People out there are dying every day, but you don't no the paint until it's someone round you or close to you. I could never have expected how hard this was going to be. However I am going to try and start this back up, sharing experiences now it's not so raw. I really want to help other people out there who may want somewhere to go and somewhere to talk to.

Where I am now:
I am 19 now, I have just finished college and oh my! This year has been terrible!
I found it really hard to keep up with all of the work set, I managed to of course. But I reached a point where I was like what the hell, just drop everything, why bother?.. Admittedly this became my attitude towards a lot of things and situations. I only cared about one thing and that was my mum. I mean I was in hospital just over a month ago myself, I became quite ill. I was throwing up blood, had paints in my stomach and the first thing on my mind was that I might have cancer. That's probably not normal, but I guess its been so traumatizing that my mum had cancer that I now fear headaches might be brain cancer, stomach aches might be cancer etc. But that time wasn't just a little pain, it was immense and when I went to the doctors and they sent me to hospital; that was kind of the point where I improved. I'm now eating healthier, doing more active things, and I decided that I wasn't doing as well at college as I could do. I know my potential and I'm smarter than to only just scrape a pass. So I ended up getting the whole years merits and distinction work done in a matter of a few weeks I had left at college - I've finished the other week with a distinction! :D

My mum and I have become pretty close, for ever she had been my rock but this last year It has been quite the opposite way around. I have had to step up, and help to take care of my little brother too. This last year, I can't count the times I have told my mum how beautiful she is and that I love her. My mum and I never really argued, I have never been the argumentative, rebellious teen that a lot of girls can be... Instead I go off and sulk and come out for food... *the shame*
so that was handy through this journey. Because obviously having cancer can deeply effect the person, they can become quite nasty at times. I know that my mum seriously shocked me at points because I couldn't believe what she could actually say to hurt people. That being said, the medication can make them nasty, effect their opinions etc so you should take what they say with a pinch of salt. Don't even argue back with them, what's the point? If you do actually feel hurt by something, walk away and come back when you've calmed down. I can't even imagine what my mum must have felt going through it all, I am collaterally effected, it upsets me that she could be hurting so much, like I want super powers to take it away from her and make sure it never comes back.

Because my mum and I have become so close, at times I have felt like I should break away a little. Like she needs more space. Before my mum was diagnosed with cancer I wanted to go and work in another country for the summer, I had applied to Camp America and had been invited down to London for and interview. This would have meant I wouldn't have got to finish college but to be honest that wasn't bothering me too much and was prepared to leave college. I wanted to go to America and become more independent and live one of my dreams for the summer; I've always been family orientated so I felt I needed to grow up a little. However when my mum was diagnosed I cancelled the interview and backed out of everything, it scared me because if I was in America, I wouldn't be able to to come back to England if something happened to any of my family, I wouldn't be on holiday, I would be working. This is something that really got to me, because I would have been stuck out there, so instead I went back the other way again and I've come to the conclusion, I love my family and I will grow up and everything in my own time there's no rush. At moment I'm happy to just be there for my mum and my family. Cancer had taken over all of our lives and caused many arguments between my siblings and I, between my mum and dad but everybody copes with it differently and that is why people clash at times like this.

If you would like to contact me you can do so here - mum.cancer@hotmail.com
I am happy to reply to you there. Or if you are happy to have your questions/stories put onto this blog along with my response then please state that in your email; if you would like your stories/questions to be on here but left anonymous then please state that in the email by putting *anon at the start or end of the email. I hope to keep this blog going so we can create a community where we can all support each other :)

Samantha

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